A little lower, please.

Soooo, it's been about a year since the last post and there has been a LOT of major changes in my life that kinda happened all at once. HEH..

Quickest updates: stayed in daly city to finish my degree (#collegelife), finished my degree =), coincidentally broke up with my boyfriend at the time, financial aid ended, which forced me to move back home, in which the property tax was getting ridiculously higher that it forced the whole family to move to BORINGASSbrentwood (BAB). so yes. i moved twice. in less than a month. In 5 days, actually. U-Haul ftw

I also just found out a few hours ago that our new neighbors graduated in '04... which means... they bought a brand new house, have kids, and they are only 2 years older than me! WOW...

Meanwhile, at mom's..

I came across this video during my nighttime routine of clicking through youtube channels that I've subscribed to: 

lol yes! It's Jenna Marbles. She is hilarious. She makes me laugh, cuz yea, everybody needs a good laugh every so often..! But not this time. This video, is as real as shit gets. Specifically speaking, around 7:45-end is when she touched a soft spot of mine. no, not in that way. ew you!

It has officially been 2 months since school ended and I couldn't have felt more relieved. School has been haunting me since 2006, with all those gosh darn expectations that I can't help but have for my future. Of course, coming from that asian household, my mom and dad and other family members also had expectations for me. 

I wanted the same expectation for myself because well shit, no high school grad really knows exactly who they want to be when they pursue college. Already half way into a biology major, I felt screwed. (ew you!) So I fucking pushed through. I thought, if they can do it, I can too! 

WRONG!!!! 

I just HAD to find out the hard way. I guess that's how life hits ya, amirite?! lol. So, my grades reflected that. -____-

now that it's finally over.. All bio majors should know that you can't just stop at a bachelor's. You gotta keep going... might as well be a doctor! ahem, excuse me, do you KNOW what it TAKES to be a doctor??!?!

*reality sinks in* Everyone has their own specific talents/skills; you can't force yourself to do something you're just simply not good at. AND! WHO SAYS you gotta do these things before you're 30? I mean where do you even fit in marriage, kids, buying a house..  like my neighbors who are only 2 years older than me. wtf?!

[see! comparing again. gotta stop that. and my AGE! what about my fucking age?!]

At first I thought, Nobody tells me these things!!! Blaming the world as if I expected life to talk to me. Although it is still true that nobody tells you about these things, I can't get so fucking bummed about not fulfilling these gosh darn expectations I had for myself. I went through a few college spasms of WTF AM I GONNA DO I CAN'T DO ANYTHING RIGHT, buckets of tears, puffy eyes, completely Emo to the 148502945049^929485024th degree all because of something expected of me couldn't be achieved. I was SO narrow minded that it blinded my sight to other talents I could've unlocked. 

CLEARLY there was a flaw somewhere in the years, and it dragged on to age of 27 but nevertheless I got through it and managed to accomplish SOMEthing. my degree.

I really don't know how my boyfriend at the time dealt with me. Actually, I'm sure ALL my exes know this about me... School is a sensitive subject. I cry. I'm a big baby when it comes to school. 

Biology is actually a very broad field. Saying you want to become a Doctor, is also a very broad thing to say. There are so many other angles to this situation that I really need to stop being so darn stressed!

The next part of life really scared me. It scared me during the end of financial aid.. the end of my college life in daly city.. the end... of my life in union city =( !! (keep in mind, I've stayed in UC since I was 9 years old = middle school, high school, and some college!) [see picture above, #1-7]. I really didn't know how to handle all the changes so I topped it off with the end of me and my bf. I didn't want to let out my feelings of being lost/my frustration/my stress on him, so I actually kinda did him a favor! I was most definitely being selfish, because I think this is the time to BE selfish.

I'm on the hunt for a job. Brentwood is a very slowly-developing city that it honestly has nothing for bio-grads. At this point, forget what's expected of you. Forget your own high expectations for yourself. They're too fucking high to be depressed about. Thank you Jenna Marbles for telling me it's OKAY. Do whatever interests you and what makes you happy because next thing you know, you're just a bitter old ex-gf who's 27 and angry! I'm already crying as I'm typing this lol cuz the truth hurts. Do what interests you so that you're open to a variety of things! Being narrow-minded can limit your true ability to shine. It's almost like I've been one-sided my whole college life. and JUST NOW, I know I'm gonna be okay. Taking it day by day, in this moment, still applying to places and fixing my resume.. accepting that I gotta start from the bottom. but this time, just HAPPIER! SO relieving! Who the fuck cares!

As long as I care enough for myself, then I can do the best I can for myself and myself only. "I just wanna thank God..." for opening my eyes. God is definitely important in all things. So I also thank God for keeping me, well, ALIVE through all the down moments. And for his love. And for the food on my plate. And for the roof over my head. (The list goes on). I'm gonna be okay. If someone was asking where to put the frame of my expectations on the wall, I would tell them, A LITTLE LOWER, please. Perfect. 

/endrant.