what can you do. I mean, I'm stuck. like for example, say you're taking a test and you're not even close to the end but your time is almost up. instead of reading the questions conscientiously, you scan the questions in a hasty manner, answering them without a second thought, only relying on the luck of an educated guess. you're forced to finish. it's only best to keep with the test coz if you fake a stomach ache (aka, "find an excuse") to get out you receive an F for Failure to Try. don't waste your time. there is a time limit; and knowing that influences your actions, unnaturally. timing... is what got you where you are now. perhaps your timing was off. but don't think too far ahead now. the test is still going; you gotta keep writing.
all in or nothing at all.
you down?
shit; I am.
1.28.2009
1.27.2009
character deficiency; a story
driving back to uc, i turn on the radio in the hollow and stupid assembled, disassembled, then reassembled dash kit... and after a couple switches of stations, i slowly started to get a feel for the songs. to those this may apply to, you probably remember me obnoxiously rehearsing the out-played lyrics of mainstream music when a favorite tune is on the stations of (and it goes in this numerical order) 89.3, 94.9, 99.7, 102.5, or 106.1 along with the incorrect facial expressions and jiggy movements that do not match the songs. with all this happening, you STILL must remember that the tires are still spinning, the roads still have signs that you must abide to, there are other automobilists about your lanes, LIGHTS, and patrols hidden in spots you would have never known that you MUST be aware of. how the heck do you handle a horrible singing girl in the passenger/driver seat to such blasting music?!?! how do you handle a heavy load of instantaneous things happening at once?
yeaaa... such weird nature. but yet, it is still nature, or natural to me. [laugh all you want haha].
and that was the first spark of a flashback.
i finally reach home and head for amandalene's house. *ahhh*, i thought. *i'm back in the areaaa*. while conversating with amanda, i came to notice we both started adding in english accents with our phrases. *whoa*, i thought. *haven't heard any accents from myself in awhile*.
second spark.
just conversating in general.. take a random topic, and add pile after pile of memories/experiences to the fire of the conversation. past few days i've been quiet as hell, alone to myself and not exactly conversating at all... but when i came back to uc, conversations started to flow out my head like no other..
third spark.
those were only a few characteristics that i haven't seen in awhile. what defines cherylness has either left the building, or it has matured. i'm leaning towards, "left the building", but i want it to come back. naturally. wheres the cheryl in cherylness?! what happened to your "horrible singing, 'juh a litt'o bit', yeah yeah yeah i remember that time!" girl go? so quiet, so reserved, so curious... bring me back. bring it out of me.
"i miss you" simply won't do; it ought to be an "i miss You"
i'm still Here
bring her back
yeaaa... such weird nature. but yet, it is still nature, or natural to me. [laugh all you want haha].
and that was the first spark of a flashback.
i finally reach home and head for amandalene's house. *ahhh*, i thought. *i'm back in the areaaa*. while conversating with amanda, i came to notice we both started adding in english accents with our phrases. *whoa*, i thought. *haven't heard any accents from myself in awhile*.
second spark.
just conversating in general.. take a random topic, and add pile after pile of memories/experiences to the fire of the conversation. past few days i've been quiet as hell, alone to myself and not exactly conversating at all... but when i came back to uc, conversations started to flow out my head like no other..
third spark.
those were only a few characteristics that i haven't seen in awhile. what defines cherylness has either left the building, or it has matured. i'm leaning towards, "left the building", but i want it to come back. naturally. wheres the cheryl in cherylness?! what happened to your "horrible singing, 'juh a litt'o bit', yeah yeah yeah i remember that time!" girl go? so quiet, so reserved, so curious... bring me back. bring it out of me.
"i miss you" simply won't do; it ought to be an "i miss You"
i'm still Here
bring her back
1.24.2009
"simply independent"
why thank you, tony tones. =)
i appreciate those readers who have known me even before this blog and have watched me grow as a person. you know, at first i was slightly somewhat offended whenever someone would say i dress "simple" or i'm a "simple" girl. i've always refused to be anything but ordinary. i took into deep consideration when somebody said, "you're boring".. and i've realized i'm overthinking all this wayy too much! simplicity is not a bad thing, really. you can't exactly pinpoint a style, and you can't exactly say that there isn't a style.. because truthfully, simplicity is already complex. it has its own edge, such as the color black. mysterious in all aspects. you really never know until you open the book, right? i may look simple, but that's only because you gotta get to know me first to see the more complexity of myself as a whole. take for example, you see a girl with some stylish-ass clothes struttin the sidewalks. you can kinda already tell who she is, without opening the book. whats the fun in that?
the other day mom was angry with me. she was saying how i "never listen; [i] always like to do my own thing". the way she approached me with that made it seem that was a stubborn trait to have. hey, it could be. but it could also be an "admirable attribute" -gabe. It shows control over your own life and making decisions for yourself. A little self centered but everyone has to be, sometimes.
to some, or shall I say a certain individual, I may seem Dependent. probably you are confused with the definition of "independent" vs "girlfriend". there is a very distinct difference between the two; one of which another person is involved, and with the other, there is not. That is what defines their obvious differences. With that, which one am I to you?
i appreciate those readers who have known me even before this blog and have watched me grow as a person. you know, at first i was slightly somewhat offended whenever someone would say i dress "simple" or i'm a "simple" girl. i've always refused to be anything but ordinary. i took into deep consideration when somebody said, "you're boring".. and i've realized i'm overthinking all this wayy too much! simplicity is not a bad thing, really. you can't exactly pinpoint a style, and you can't exactly say that there isn't a style.. because truthfully, simplicity is already complex. it has its own edge, such as the color black. mysterious in all aspects. you really never know until you open the book, right? i may look simple, but that's only because you gotta get to know me first to see the more complexity of myself as a whole. take for example, you see a girl with some stylish-ass clothes struttin the sidewalks. you can kinda already tell who she is, without opening the book. whats the fun in that?
the other day mom was angry with me. she was saying how i "never listen; [i] always like to do my own thing". the way she approached me with that made it seem that was a stubborn trait to have. hey, it could be. but it could also be an "admirable attribute" -gabe. It shows control over your own life and making decisions for yourself. A little self centered but everyone has to be, sometimes.
to some, or shall I say a certain individual, I may seem Dependent. probably you are confused with the definition of "independent" vs "girlfriend". there is a very distinct difference between the two; one of which another person is involved, and with the other, there is not. That is what defines their obvious differences. With that, which one am I to you?
1.21.2009
1.19.2009
1.17.2009
Before the nyquil kicks in...
Ahhhhh dkjdjsoxjdnus nevermind i'm falling asleep already goodnight uc tomorrow! Zzzzzz
Edit: 8:23am
The nyquil only worked until about 5am. Since then, I've been tossing and turning, peeing, and drinking water. now it's like, 8. I lay beside my monkeypillow and panda, thinking about The Next Step.
don't think too much don't think too much
I've come to believe that everyone has some sort of natural obligation to family. no matter how much we may have created an as-close-as-family relationship with our friends, bfs, gfs, whoever it may be... we were taught since childhood that Family comes first. in addition, at this age, for some of us School is another priority.
as for me, school and family tie in together. -_- so, I will continue to focus on my priorities as I wish you the best and hope you will do the same with yours.
I will respect a firm fool-proof decision. anything that will make you happy / fulfilled / accomplished / or helps you acquire your goal by making ends meet with all your top-most priorities.
I mean it may be sad being secondary on that list.. but who are we to judge? I can't get mad, coz we have our own priorities too, right? so do your thang, it's completely understandable.
=)) doublechin!! Haha!
Edit: 8:23am
The nyquil only worked until about 5am. Since then, I've been tossing and turning, peeing, and drinking water. now it's like, 8. I lay beside my monkeypillow and panda, thinking about The Next Step.
don't think too much don't think too much
I've come to believe that everyone has some sort of natural obligation to family. no matter how much we may have created an as-close-as-family relationship with our friends, bfs, gfs, whoever it may be... we were taught since childhood that Family comes first. in addition, at this age, for some of us School is another priority.
as for me, school and family tie in together. -_- so, I will continue to focus on my priorities as I wish you the best and hope you will do the same with yours.
I will respect a firm fool-proof decision. anything that will make you happy / fulfilled / accomplished / or helps you acquire your goal by making ends meet with all your top-most priorities.
I mean it may be sad being secondary on that list.. but who are we to judge? I can't get mad, coz we have our own priorities too, right? so do your thang, it's completely understandable.
=)) doublechin!! Haha!
1.16.2009
b**ch i might be
fever =(
with weather like this, how could you have a fever?! ahhh >_<. iwanna go to the beach. i like feeling the warmth from the sun. and to tan! i like being dark. or caramel, atleast. not cream. making this decision, i never knew how much i needed to change. well, now that i think about it, every decision requires some change. but anyways, this environment has made me feel less special. good. theres hella asians& whatnot so i just kinda.. blend in. standing out can be fun, but i need to focus now. i don't know anybody, so no more, "hey, wanna grab a bite to eat?" good. now there IS another weekend question that i'm hesitant to resist, "wanna hang out?" i'm totally down; it's not like i'm 123456789miles away. ^_^ haha, i'm just right here. =) on the weekdays tho, think of it as if i'm in sd already.
theres a kaiser nearby that i can volunteer at. some girl volunteers 4 hrs a week. theres also a pharmacy store inside kaiser that might let me be a cashier. keyword: might. i haven't tried yet, i'm still trying to get acquainted.
it's all a shock to me that it's happening so fast, yet so slow.
with cheryl, it's always a process. =)
prove them wrong.
anddd back to nappin. i hope this fever goes away soon. =T
<3c
with weather like this, how could you have a fever?! ahhh >_<. iwanna go to the beach. i like feeling the warmth from the sun. and to tan! i like being dark. or caramel, atleast. not cream. making this decision, i never knew how much i needed to change. well, now that i think about it, every decision requires some change. but anyways, this environment has made me feel less special. good. theres hella asians& whatnot so i just kinda.. blend in. standing out can be fun, but i need to focus now. i don't know anybody, so no more, "hey, wanna grab a bite to eat?" good. now there IS another weekend question that i'm hesitant to resist, "wanna hang out?" i'm totally down; it's not like i'm 123456789miles away. ^_^ haha, i'm just right here. =) on the weekdays tho, think of it as if i'm in sd already.
theres a kaiser nearby that i can volunteer at. some girl volunteers 4 hrs a week. theres also a pharmacy store inside kaiser that might let me be a cashier. keyword: might. i haven't tried yet, i'm still trying to get acquainted.
it's all a shock to me that it's happening so fast, yet so slow.
with cheryl, it's always a process. =)
prove them wrong.
anddd back to nappin. i hope this fever goes away soon. =T
<3c
1.11.2009
1.07.2009
with flying colors.
give it a few minutes, and a simple "hey! how are you?" turns into an "ugh cheryl!!" *shakes head, head down*
i've been irritated. turned down. beat up with pessimistic opinions. judged..
and i've proven them Right.
yep.. go ahead.. roll your eyes.. assume.
part of that is due to the excess 16 year old in me. rebellious, angry, "fine!" type of attitude. well yeah, i mean. if something makes me mad, i get even. a horrible mindset, but it may come out of me every once in awhile. =T
part of that is also due to abuse. nooo, not physical. er well.. mom might pull my ear or slap my head a few times, but that's about it. but i meant abuse as in, over abuse of repetition. saying the same thing over and over again, all this nagging.. blah blah blah... it's annoying! listing your expectations for me every night before i go to sleep. gee, like i wasn't aware of your expectations. -_- at first, it made me feel antsy/nervous.. like "okay, i needa rush and get this shit done coz mom said so, okay Go. you're lagging. just do it." but repetition of these constant reminders of what's expected actually Lowers my motivation to Prove You Wrong, therefore less motivation = less focus = one ear & out the other.
your reverse psychology is actually doing the opposite. of all people you'd think family would believe in you. hff
part focus; which i have none of. no motivation, no yearn for the goal. what is it then? oblivious? selfish? passive? naive? lazy? cynical, even? perhaps.
part Care...
sike. i've been so sluggish lately that i keep proving them right By The Second!
=( down time. =( =( =(
and like a volcano that has built everything up on it's insides, there will be a time when it can't hold it in any longer...
but not at this very second. >=)
hah!
whycome?
because, i am currently secluding myself, making some very vast changes to my schedule in another attempt to prove them........
wrong.
muahahaha
add a tally mark to yet another "attempt". let's see how far..
when are you going to prove them wrong?
i've been irritated. turned down. beat up with pessimistic opinions. judged..
and i've proven them Right.
yep.. go ahead.. roll your eyes.. assume.
part of that is due to the excess 16 year old in me. rebellious, angry, "fine!" type of attitude. well yeah, i mean. if something makes me mad, i get even. a horrible mindset, but it may come out of me every once in awhile. =T
part of that is also due to abuse. nooo, not physical. er well.. mom might pull my ear or slap my head a few times, but that's about it. but i meant abuse as in, over abuse of repetition. saying the same thing over and over again, all this nagging.. blah blah blah... it's annoying! listing your expectations for me every night before i go to sleep. gee, like i wasn't aware of your expectations. -_- at first, it made me feel antsy/nervous.. like "okay, i needa rush and get this shit done coz mom said so, okay Go. you're lagging. just do it." but repetition of these constant reminders of what's expected actually Lowers my motivation to Prove You Wrong, therefore less motivation = less focus = one ear & out the other.
your reverse psychology is actually doing the opposite. of all people you'd think family would believe in you. hff
part focus; which i have none of. no motivation, no yearn for the goal. what is it then? oblivious? selfish? passive? naive? lazy? cynical, even? perhaps.
part Care...
sike. i've been so sluggish lately that i keep proving them right By The Second!
=( down time. =( =( =(
and like a volcano that has built everything up on it's insides, there will be a time when it can't hold it in any longer...
but not at this very second. >=)
hah!
whycome?
because, i am currently secluding myself, making some very vast changes to my schedule in another attempt to prove them........
wrong.
muahahaha
add a tally mark to yet another "attempt". let's see how far..
when are you going to prove them wrong?
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